A Countdown To Humor
by Carbuncle
Summary: Come one, come all, and witness the planets latest new age star... Amazing Aeris!


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
'A Countdown To Humor'  
  
"Cheer up, Cloud!", Aeris smiled.  
  
"What?!", grumbled Cloud.  
  
"C'mon! You didn't wanna stay cooped up in the house all day, did you? This is gonna be fun!"  
  
"I don't see whats so fun about going shopping!", Cloud moaned.  
  
"Oh, you are impossible!", Aeris mumbled.  
  
Aeris had managed to persuade Cloud to come shopping with her to Wall Market. Cloud was less than pleased, but Aeris had a way of making him feel guilty somehow.  
  
"Hey Cloud! Aeris!", called a familiar voice.  
  
It was Yuffie, the materia thief.  
  
"Yuffie! What are you doing here?", asked a suprised Cloud.  
  
"I'm here stealing... I mean, buying things. Wanna see what I got?"  
  
"Not really. C'mon Aeris, I wanna go to the bathroom!", Cloud whined.  
  
"I think you're old enough to go by yourself Cloud! I'll be waiting right here.", Aeris told him.  
  
Cloud ran off towards the local tavern where he would find a public toilet. Yuffie gave a sneaky smile.  
  
"What are you so happy about?", asked Aeris.  
  
"Lookie here!", Yuffie smirked as she pulled a small object from her pocket.  
  
"Huh? What is that?", wondered Aeris.  
  
"A zinc battery. Its a little something I picked up from the weapon store."  
  
"How interesting... Hmmm, Cloud sure is taking his time.", Aeris sighed.  
  
"Wanna do something spontaneous?", Yuffie asked.  
  
"Huh? No thanks.", replied Aeris.  
  
"Bok bok bok! Chicken!", Yuffie taunted.  
  
"Argh! I hate it when you do that!", grumbled Aeris. "What do you want?"  
  
"I bet you five gil you can't swallow this zinc battery!", Yuffie squeaked.  
  
"You're on!", said Aeris enthusiastically as she took the battery from Yuffie and swallowed it. "Five gil please Yuffie!"  
  
"Oh Gawd!", Yuffie sighed.  
  
And then it started... It seemed like swallowing the battery wasn't thrilling enough for young Aeris. She began doing bigger and badder things... She even got her own TV show intitled 'Amazing Aeris!'. But all these things were having a bad effect on her, and the rest of her friends became very worried about her health.  
  
"That does it! I was just eatin' my favourite meal in the kitchen and guess what happened?! Aeris walked right in, urinated in a dirty glass, and drunk it right in front o' my eyes!", shrieked Barrett.  
  
"Ew! Thats just... sick!", exclaimed Tifa. "Cloud, we have to do something about Aeris's... problem."  
  
"She doesn't have a problem. She just keeps doing disgusting stuff in front of us.", Cloud shivered.  
  
"And you don't think that is a problem?!"  
  
"Look! She's making good money outta it, huh? And her TV show ratings are through the roof!", Cloud explained while the party stared blankly at him. "Alright! I'll try to talk some sense into her!"  
  
Cloud got out of his chair and walked into the kitchen of Tifa's Nibelheim home to find Aeris laughing strangely near the sink.  
  
"Aeris? We have to talk. The others and I are worried about you. You don't seem yourself lately. Are you on drugs?"  
  
"Cloud, I'm glad you're here! You can be the first person to hear of my exciting new idea!"  
  
"What idea is that?", questioned Cloud.  
  
"Well, you know I've been doing some crazy stuff recently? I plan to top it all off this weekend by crawling up into a Chocobo's uterus live on the 'Amazing Aeris!' show. Isn't that cool?!"  
  
Cloud gave Aeris a gobsmaked look and returned to the living room.  
  
"And now... live on 'Amazing Aeris!', Ms. Aeris will attempt to crawl *up* inside a Chocobo's uterus and stay there for three hours! Are you ready Ms. Aeris?"  
  
"Yes I am!", shouted Aeris who was standing infront of several TV cameras, a gameshow co-ordinator and a Chocobo tied to a post.  
  
"Oh my God! I can't believe she's gonna do this!", Tifa shrieked covering her eyes.  
  
The whole party had gathered as part of the audience on the 'Amazing Aeris!' show. They sat and watched in awe as Aeris prepared to perform her sketch.  
  
Aeris walked up behind the Chocobo and put her head inside its rear end. Bit by bit she pulled the rest of her body up into the Chocobo until she eventually disappeared completely. The audience looked stunned as the shape of Aeris formed inside the Chocobo.  
  
"She'll never survive in there for three hours!", Barrett groaned, who already looked bored.  
  
The clock on the wall began to count down...  
  
"Ms. Aeris! Your time is up! Come on out!", shouted the gameshow co-ordinator. "Ms. Aeris?"  
  
The Aeris shaped bulge inside the Chocobo began to move. Suddenly Aeris slid out, covered in a sticky ooze.  
  
"Ta-da!", she yelled.  
  
The audience, including Cloud and the others, cheered at her achievement.  
  
"WARK!", exclaimed the Chocobo.  
  
THE END__________  
  
-DEDICATED TO WILFRED COMETSON- 


End file.
